LLVL Episode 01: Butts

The LLVL series is a community reward for helping me reach the lofty goal of $900 for Extra Life 2019. In it, I try to define self-identity through misadventure in The Lord of the Rings Online. I am a long-time critic of fan fiction, so enjoy knowing I am squirming uncomfortably through every paragraph that I write.

The last thing she remembered was the satisfying fullness of beef and broccoli from her favorite Chinese take-out restaurant before dozing off on the couch, barely aware of the ongoing news report from the TV. She knew she'd probably wake up in a few hours, hungry again despite eating two containers of MSG-laden food. As she slowly detached from wakefulness, she had the idle thought that maybe she should've ordered pizza after all.

It wasn't the hunger pangs that woke her, despite all probability being in her favor. Instead, it was the feeling of sunlight on her face and dim street noises. Her eyes didn't want to open right away, so she inhaled and let out a deep yawn while stretching. Had she really slept through the night? Her thoughts were interrupted mid-yawn by an abrupt bark of a dog right in front of her. As she didn't have a dog, her eyes shot open immediately.

Butts. Butts! Butts?

She blinked a few times, her brain attempting desperately to comprehend what her eyes were seeing. No, those were definitely butts -- but at least they weren't living butts. And there was, in fact, a dog in front of her -- sitting happily on the cobblestones and staring her down. Cobblestones?

She used both hands to rub her eyes, as they felt dry and itchy. This had to be some kind of crazy dream thanks to China King's grease and MSG, right? Opening her newly-rubbed eyes didn't change her perception, however, and the dog only wagged its tail harder. The butts were apparently pig butts, and for some reason they were prominently displayed in a fountain? What an odd centerpiece for a fountain, she thought. Looking around gave her further pause.

The only word that came to mind for the people and the place itself was rustic. This wasn't the city, and it wasn't even the suburbs. There were people riding horses past, armed with spears, swords and other items she couldn't put a name to.

Taking a couple steps back -- the dog standing up and perking its ears attentively -- made her aware that she was dressed in a similar sort of way. She had boots, fingerless gloves, a stiff leather top of some kind that hugged her chest in arcane ways that defied logic, shining shoulder pieces, a white cloak that was bound to get dirty in a place like this, and... her fingers felt a crown of flowers in her hair? Her hair! Where was it all?! Frantically grasping at her hair, she could feel it had a roughly-chopped feeling to it and wasn't even touching her shoulders. Out of the corner of her eye, she could also see that it was a dirty blond color and not the dark brown she was familiar with. For that matter, her whole body felt... like someone else's. 

Panicked, she began looking at the nearby people for help. Surely they could explain what was going on and where she was? Only... nobody was looking at her, unless you counted the dog. And they were mostly just... standing in place like mannequins. Turning to her left, she saw a person on a fidgety horse, and he seemed to be talking to some guy with crates, bags and jars. And -- something floating over his head? The guy on the horse suddenly disappeared, which was also alarming, but she was eager to know what was going on, so she jogged the short distance over to the man.

"Um, excuse me... but... can you help me?" she asked in a voice that didn't sound like her own. The man pivoted in place to face her directly, but his expression didn't change. Somehow, without his mouth moving, he spoke.

"What kin I do fer you?" As soon as the words were spoken, a large display popped up into view as well, showing rations and kindling and prices. Alarmed by this strangeness, she backed away and the display vanished. Okay, so the mannequin people were freaky robots with advanced digital shop displays. She'd never eat beef and broccoli again.

"It's 2020," she muttered to herself, "I've seen stranger things." With that thought hovering in the forefront of her mind, she looked around to see if she could find one of the moving people. Surely they weren't glorified computers? Just at that moment, a red-haired man with a mustache and chain mail shirt caught her attention as he walked beneath an archway with a club in one hand and a shield on his arm. Weird, but he looked less commonplace and had a weapon.

Rather than risk another strange interaction, she opted to trail behind Mr. Club-and-Shield. They headed up a hill and she dared to look around as they walked. At least the rustic town was extremely clean. No manure from any of the horses, no random scraps of junk anywhere. Unfortunately, that only seemed to lend more discomfort to the situation, which was quickly feeling like a Renaissance Fair Twilight Zone.

Halfway up the hill, she had to pause. A woman was standing on the front porch of a house, and she was scowling. Like the other mannequin people, though, something seemed "off" about her facial features. There was no emotion, no depth -- she may as well have been a mannequin if she didn't shift slightly every so often. Feeling a shiver go down her spine, she hurried to catch up to Mr. C&S who had just reached the top of the hill. 

She stopped in her tracks. There in front of her was another open space with a smaller fountain, and a LOT of moving people. They looked different from the "townsfolk" she had been seeing, and more like the guy on the horse she had seen back by the Butt Fountain. Giving up on Mr. C&S, she jogged past him towards the crowd of people -- and immediately regretted it. 

There was a large building to the right with a sign hanging from it that had a drunk horse or something like it. Right beneath that was a large rock and a group of Moving People standing on it. They were all holding instruments -- and glowing -- and she could see music notes swarming around them like mosquitoes. Worse than that, she heard what they were apparently playing. It was off-key, tinny, and reminded her of the midi files of the 90's and the good ol' days of the internet. These were not Moving People she wanted to interact with if this was what they considered quality entertainment. Taking a deep breath, she pushed herself forward on the cobblestones and jogged down the hill that was on the other side of the gathered people.

In an instant, her life flashed before her eyes as she saw three or four horses with riders barreling up the hill towards her. So this is how it ends, she complained inwardly, resigned to the death-by-trampling that was seconds away. Only... it never came. Somehow, the four riders and their horses ran straight through her as if she wasn't even there. Shaking, she let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding, and almost instantly she jumped out of her skin when a loud bark sounded behind her.

Standing behind her was that same dog from the Butt Fountain. Wagging its tail, grinning like a big dope. She had never been much of a dog person, but at least this one was friendly. It had no collar, but in an environment like this she wondered if that was even a "thing" the locals did. If there were actual locals. She hadn't yet figured that bit out and wasn't sure she wanted to.

"Coming with me, are you?" she eventually mumbled.

BARK!

Resuming her path down the hill, she eventually saw what looked like a gate on the edge of the town. Leaving this creepy place wasn't a bad idea, but at the same time it was. The world didn't seem to function in a familiar way, and that made it dangerous.

Right off of the cobblestones by the gate was a stabling area with horses, carts, cows, and what appeared to be a promising haystack to hide behind while she came to grips with whatever it was that was going on. It was a stereotypical hiding place, to be sure, but at least it was comfortable and didn't require her to talk to any Mannequins or crazy Moving People.

Flopping down onto the hay, she sighed. The dog just kept standing and staring at her. Frowning, she realized she would have to classify it as something in between the Mannequins and Moving People. That dashed her hopes of having some kind of protector in the face of danger in this place, but also relieved her of having to provide food for it. If it was some kind of computer being then it probably didn't eat food.

Remembering the Chinese food, she pressed her face into the haystack. Why didn't she feel hungry? How long had she been asleep? Was she still dreaming? What was this place? Whose body was she in, anyway? If she closed her eyes, could she go back to sleep and wake up on her couch with hunger pangs? Did she need to get a lawyer to sue China King? Or was she already on life support in a hospital somewhere because of food poisoning?

"Maybe," she mused aloud to the attentive dog, "we need to go back to the butts."

BARK!

To be continued...

This entry wraps up the month-long series on MMORPGs! If you enjoyed it, please consider joining me on Patreon for as little as $2 -- today is the last day to claim an art postcard!