2018 Milestone: Russians, Aliens & Robots for $200

"It was there... on that summit, where the carabiner failed him. The rock is smooth there. He shot straight down, a tenth of a mile, with not so much as a handhold. Perhaps he screamed. if he did, no one heard. Perhaps he prayed... If he did, only God could know. At last he landed... and that, we all heard. The avalanche roared like a half-starved beast, stirred from a fitful sleep. When he struck, the very earth shook with the fury of forty-six thousand tons of snow and ice... You will pardon if I reminisce..." 

"That's fine, but could you let me sign in first?"

That... is the opening dialogue of the game, and I wish it sounded half as good as it reads in your own head. If you would be so kind as to go back to the top and re-read it... but pretend it's being read by someone who's never read the words before, mispronounces 'carabiner,' adds articles, and has zero inflection. Yeah. It's really that bad.

This game is in a special section of my Steam library called 'Game Hell' -- a place to which I banish terrible games and ensure they are not displayed as part of my library (thank you for that feature, Steam). I attempted to play this game once before, and its myriad of problems convinced me in less than an hour that I never wanted to look at it again. Well, as these things go, when you're making a list of community incentives you have to dig up the things you don't like because your own discomfort is what others enjoy best. That is how the game became my $200 Milestone Incentive for 2018's Extra Life fundraising. I have all of the regrets. All of them.

One of the few good aspects of this game would be its decent landscape shots. There's detail, depth, and solid composition. But that's hardly enough to help you overlook the laundry list of problems and shortcomings -- particularly when you are stuck inside a room in the hotel and becoming frustrated. There's no pretty scenery to dull the pain. I had only ten seconds or so to appreciate this view before it brought the main character to the front door of the hotel and the owner began rambling before the car door opens. Noticing it was a lengthy ramble, I tapped my screenshot button... only to have the game close entirely. Okay. No big deal. I probably just needed to set another button instead. Three different buttons and three more failed starts later, I finally had a button selected that seemed to work, and I finally captured the 3 screenshots needed just to get that opening dialogue for this blog entry. Not an auspicious beginning.

I wish I could say the game improved from there. It did not. I have attempted to play this game several times since May of this year, and I seldom get very far. In fact, just after the third attempt was made my PC died and now I am typing on an entirely different computer. The voice acting is what kills me the most. It sounds like the voice actors were doing a cold read and because of budgeting or time constraints they had to roll with it. The majority of the actual gameplay is figuring out where and what you can click, and solving basic puzzles to progress the dubious plot.

So this is me telling you that An Attempt Was Made, and Turn Back Now. The game was based on a Russian novel that was also made into a movie. There are robots and aliens (I kid you not). Maybe give that a read instead of torturing yourself with this game, as it's supposed to be full of dry humor.